Slowly Losing My Wild Side
Babies, cribs, health insurance. Moving in with my boyfriend in a couple of months. The fear of my soul being swallowed by “domestic life” is up and roaring – some of it has purged, and while I wait for what’s left to release, transform, integrate, or at least calm itself, I can’t handle this shit anymore. I feel like my wild side is slowly draining out of me.
One comment, a tiny perspective from my mom, and I’m knocked on my ass. Shows how solid I am right now. Hormones or not, this is just getting annoying. The comment wasn’t even that bad. It’s just my super-sensitive, highly defensive pregnant self attempting to protect myself from a fear.
Fear or True Self?
It’s actually the same fear that kept me out of a 9-5 job my whole life (and in turn, I had to figure out how to make money an alternative way, while still feeling like I had some freedom in my life. Then freelance sign language interpreting fell into my lap. Guess the intention was strong.)
And while I generally am not an advocate for supporting a fear, I think what’s underneath the fear part is myself. My desire to live freely. It’s just the fear part that has been keeping me stuck, and is currently equating romance and sweetness with domestic soul suckation.
I see it, that’s the important thing. And the passive approach, letting go into this, is complete for now. There’s a fine line between purging and wallowing. Had to purge, now I think we’ve crossed the line. So it’s aggressive approach time. And instead of trying to eradicate a piece of myself, I’m going to go with what works – my wild side needs a nice meal.
Actually she prefers to rip meat off a bone with her bare teeth (she’s the wild side, remember.) She likes to travel, party, and be spontaneous in some ways which not even I can blog about. Before the pregnancy, she had found more of a healthy balance since the high school drug years (when I say “party” now, it means beers at the bar).
But since Baby is in process, she’s had to chill out for a few months and not party, limit her travel to a couple weekend road trip and only two weeks in Peru (I know, it sounds spoiled when I say it like that!) But she worked hard and took a lot of risks to cultivate this lifestyle, and now it will be a new level in holding the integrity of it in communion with the needs of a child.
Ways of Keeping the Wild Side Happy
Gotta save money, so except for the pre-planned Peru trip in January, travel is out (I’m dying to do a road trip out West!) And obviously the bar will have to wait. So I have decided to find other ways (that are within legal and my moral lines, don’t go nuts here people) to nurture my Wild Child.
Some of them involve stimulating my inner artist (who is actually quite a badass, and has been kicking and screaming stuck down a well for years). She’s quite creative and will lead me in the right direction.
Like I said, some of my plans are too risque for even me to write in my blog (okay, to be honest I probably would, but there are other people’s privacy to consider here once in while!)
Just know this – I am tired of being knocked over my every emotion and spending all my energy defending the fear that I will lose myself in domestic life. If I don’t want to do that, I just won’t. Get a grip Meghan, it’s just a fear.
Some say I live life too intensely. Maybe it’s true, and I shouldn’t think so much. But this is how “me” comes out on paper – and as I get older, I reserve the right to learn that lesson and chill out. But for right now, my soul still gets off on ‘feeling’ life – the whole gammut, and playing the game. It’s all just one big experience anyway, right?