Somewhere between May 26-June 8, 2019
Welcome to Zach’s story corner where love is terrifying sometimes.
Grandmother’s Unconditional Love
My grandmother and I were amazingly close while I was growing up. My mom, sisters, aunt, and cousins, would find ourselves at her house on a regular basis. Sleepovers were overly frequent, any particular weekend. I assume it was to let our parents have a break now that I’m an adult and am more aware of the energy children take. Haha
My cousin and I were lucky enough to have more of our formative years together with her. She would sing us songs and read stories to us every night, bake cookies (macadamia nut for the win), go to the flea market and buy little trinkets (for some reason we went to K-Mart a ton). The list goes on and on.
In the Hospital
Unfortunately, she had a brain aneurysm while driving back in 2013, but she managed to pull over and call an ambulance before losing consciousness. So, to the hospital she went and survived. Because I was homeschooled, my mom, sisters, and I had the ability to see her as soon as she was allowed visitors.
I remember seeing her with an oxygen tube, IV’s, and a million wires placed upon her. She greeted us with the biggest smile and gave us hugs. Everything seemed to be on the up and up, yet I broke once we left the room. Seeing someone you love more than anything in that situation as a 12-year-old (or any age tbh) really fucks with you.
After time in the hospital, she went home on bed rest. Again, the perk of homeschooling meant we could stay with her 24/7. I’m not sure how much time had passed, but one day while we were there something was wrong. My mom and I tried to support her to the car (she was conscious but just knew she had to get to the hospital again). I was losing my mind and too weak to really hold her weight. Thankfully, a neighbor was walking by and helped us.
An aneurysm was formed but they were able to catch it in time. Awesome. More hospital time and then everything will be good as new, which brings us to Christmas Eve. I believe when we arrived, I was able to say my initial hello but was quickly ushered out because family from out of town was there and were unable to see her up until that point. I was promised I would be able to say goodbye before we left though.
Except it didn’t happen. And I was PISSED.
Denied My Last Chance
I woke up in the middle of the night and felt in my gut something was off, but eventually fell back asleep. Waking up on Christmas morning with your mother gone and father attempting to play things cool is a massive red alert.
She was gone.
Epitome of Kindness and Unconditional Love
My mom always says, “she would give the shirt off of her back for someone.” Her kindness and love, while I was growing up, knew no limits. It was a special kind of love that I don’t think I’ve felt (or let myself feel) since. Yet, I had this idea that she now could see everything I’m doing now and it terrified me. Now she must know I’m gay.
So, we are just gonna hold onto those feelings for about 16 years and fast forward to the present!
If you recall in the last blog, Meghan got a super clear spiritual feed about our connection and space. Granted, we had talked about unconditional love at the beginning of this whirlwind, but it hit me differently this time with the defenses freaking out. So, I put that conversation on hold for about a day.
While we were hanging out (remember we are still catching up on these blogs so time is a mystery and the finer details of the day are amiss), somehow someway I told her about my grandmother. Meghan asked if I ever tried to connect with her, especially now that I have been in this work for a hot minute.
Z: Ha. No.
M: Why not now?
Z: Ummm how about we talk about that really uncomfortable thing about unconditional love space and stepping into roles and all that? *nervous laugh*
The fact that I would rather talk about the one I’d been avoiding rather than try to connect with my grandmother is very telling.
Afraid to Let Her See Who I Am
Well, that didn’t fly. So, we talked about why I wouldn’t want this amazing woman’s spirit anywhere near me. First of all, I was scared if she knew I was gay, she wouldn’t love me anymore (theme). Secondly, I realized I was still holding onto some level of fear of being gay. That it was still bad somehow on some deep unseen level (internalized homophobia).
Whelp, I know logically my simply liking men is not wrong. I’ve gone through far too much to even hold onto that fear. So, we released that fear of it actually being wrong (as in, “what if society has been right the whole time?”). Obviously not.
Now for the apparent hard part.
Commence Spiritual Ceremony
So, internally with every ounce of my might I attempted to move all my defenses to the side and try to see if I could have the potential possibility of maybe trying to connect with her. (stall stall stall.) Perfume hit my nose – it was hers. A light pink rose color in my mind’s eye became present.
Before I say anything or give any type of confirmation, Meghan goes, “Whoa.” I look over questioning and she says that she felt a warm presence around her shoulders. (The next day we talked about the process and she said she had seen the same pink color before I even talked about it. Wtf!)
The comfort of my grandmother’s energy, which had been waiting for this opportunity, came flooding in. For about ten minutes I felt years’ worth of her love and energy warm around my body and heart, like it had been waiting to be allowed in the whole time. It was extremely intense, amazing, and gentle at the same time.
Of course she loved me. The fear of letting it in was much worse than knowing what was true. It was an incredible full circle words will never do justice to.
My grandmother gave me a gift in life and in spirit – palpable, fierce, unconditional love.
Wonder what this all moved.
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