Who am I, Why am I Here, and am I Willing to do What it Takes?
I’ve been back to the US for a little over a week, and things are still rolling like crazy. I don’t even know where to start this blog because so much has happened since the last one, but here goes nothing. I’m learning to do what it takes to get myself able to live out my life purpose (including the parts that are uncomfortable).
Okay, so the doubt purge continued at full force. Oldschool again, dark consciousness shit. We did a ceremony on the boat again and I was able to handle purging maybe twice as much as normal, since the water sucks it away immediately. That night was the grand finally for me…
I was still really mareada when we docked back at the village…half in the physical world, half in spirit. It took me forever to get my shit together (like, seriously – maybe 10-15 minutes of putting shoes on, blah blah.)
The commentary in my head that usually cracks me up in ceremony was coming out of my mouth, free-flowing. I was like a silly kid. I was “funnier” than I normally am, and felt more colorful and alive. That’s when I realized – me without the doubt. Funny. Silly. No fear. I smiled internally as the early manifestations of this doubt-freedom had begun to bud.
Later I went back into my ceremony, and was overwhelmed by the glimpse of the new level the Medicine presented me with. This whole time, these 200-some-odd ceremonies worth of purging and learning – I felt intuitively (and had been shown) that this was all the big first phase – prep for my real work.
Preparing for the Next Level
I had settled into that rhythm, being in the present, embracing the flow of the process. The pace had accelerated, since I can now handle more. Just like I need less physical Medicine to experience the same intensity level, I accomplished in six weeks what would have taken me three months to do before. And wow…they showed me just a glimpse of a big level jump – one that I will be soon ready to handle…
Now, I’ve obviously been working with spirits, who come from the Spirit World. But something about what they showed me made me think that those spirits were closer to the physical world than I had realized – because what they showed me was a glimpse, into the actual, Spirit World.
I can’t really describe it, it was definitely a lot to take in. I was only in there for a few minutes, as it was a stretch energetically for my body to handle. It was everything – the all – all the spaces of light, dark, everything in between. I felt so tiny in there, but you gotta start somewhere.
I’ve had the experience of being energetically overwhelmed by a big level jump, and this one is no different – just very humbling. I feel like a little kid about to start their first day of school.
Finding My Voice
Soon after, it all started clarifying. What I’m doing here. Why I am in this situation. Nothing I didn’t know intuitively, but without the umbrella of self-doubt to fuzz up my colors. I need to be using my voice.
Not a copy of the generic “new age” voice (not a knock). My voice. Full of cuss words and youth. I need to speak. I need to write. I need to bring my voice to the younger generation. And I can’t let my ego be afraid of people thinking that it’s coming from ego. I must move past my fear and speak from my own experience.
Just Share Your Experience
Which brings me to another point – a shift. A shift in approach to spiritual teachings. Speak from my own experience, from my own perspective, and don’t try to apply it to anyone or anything. Let people apply it themselves if they are so inclined – they’re not idiots. I don’t need to “teach” anyone anything. Just tell what I have learned from my perspective.
It won’t apply to every person at every phase. It may not apply at all. It is not “truth”, it is me learning my own lessons. If it stimulates forward thought in others to bounce around, great. If not, who cares. Speak from my innermost truth, not trying to be anything but exactly who I am, where I am. And yes, at this moment (well, not this exact moment) I smoke (yes, that de-prioritized itself, and I’m okay with it for now). I drink. I like Glee. I eat meat. Does that lower my “spiritual credentials” as a potential author?
Maybe to some, but maybe to others it makes me more of a regular-ass person. I’m out of integrity to pretend to be anyone other than who I truly am at a given time, and of course I will continue to evolve and learn. Of course I am moving, and have goals. But I don’t need to be “perfect” before I have something to say that someone may value. Speak from my inner space, and don’t be afraid of judgment. Because I will get judged. It’s only my ego that cares.
Regarding Ayahuasca – I learned I cannot speak for what the Medicine “is” or “isn’t” in general, because I only have experienced it through the approach we’re working under. Just like the Universe, there are infinite “spaces” in the Medicine work, and all I can attest to is which space we’re working in due to our intention and effort.
Different people will need different spaces as resonates with their own personal intention. So that looming fear of not wanting to sound like a “spiritual authority”, or an “Ayahuasca expert”, will no longer be something I have to worry about, since I don’t have to speak from a space like that. Again, I can just speak to what I have experienced for me, and write totally subjectively, and call it just that – my take.
I feel free, finally a way to express what I’ve learned without fearing my own ego. And without the doubt, I am not getting in my own way. Art is coming. Writings are coming. I am coming out. It is time. I’ve been working my ass off to get here, and I’d be an idiot to stop now because of a little fear. Fuck that – my latest mantra – “I got shit to do in this lifetime.”
Funding Life Purpose
Which brings me to the relationship phenomenon. At the end of the Peru time, I was sure I wanted no one other than Luco (with the possibility of an open relationship or something to allow me freedom in the States.) Luco had been encouraging me not to worry too much about the future, about my biological clock, about anything but my Medicine work. Upon returning home, that has become uber-clear…
The return this time was more energetically turbulent than normal for me, due to the vastness of the level jump. It took be about 4-5 days to balance out. Almost immediately, the Universe answered a prayer I’d been holding to for awhile – abundance.
My blackberry even self-posted a dollar sign as a status update days before it all popped. Infinite Light is still too young to keep paying for itself without a little help. The investment debt is large. Bottom line – for the nature of the type of Life Purpose I have, I need something to fund it.
Good, bad, right or wrong. We live in a society that requires money to move around. If I’m bogged down by a looming debt or a bill I can’t pay, how focused am I on my “love offering” (Life Purpose)? I’ve addressed this inner process in some of the previous blogs, but the doubt releasing opened up some clarity that it was being greatly applied to finances. And what better way to move around a belief system? Give me an opportunity to stretch and restructure.
Working for the Government? Really?
So an amazing sign language interpreting job was offered to me. Still freelance, but regular, and quite a chunk of change. The catch? I wear a suit. I get up at 5:30am, take a bus to the metro, work basically for the government, come back after dark. Breathe. The symbol of everything I used to consider “selling out” (okay – please don’t be offended if you work a job like this! This was simply my old artist/hippie/”free spirit” arrogant mentality that I’m releasing now.)
Funny how for so many, the stretch is to let go of their stable 9-5er, and for me on the other side of the spectrum, to let go and stretch is to embrace one. It’s not that I never worked, because I did (since I was 16 years old). It’s that I always held on to my freedom to dress how I want, and work the hours I want. It worked out fine for awhile, except that it was coming from the old mentality. I’m grateful – without it, I wouldn’t have gotten here.
Truth be told, since I was a teenager I was terrified of having my soul be eaten alive by the “corporate world” or whatever version. “White picket fence” lifestyle. But I’m 30 now, and I’m not scared of much anymore, especially not the Matrix. So if the Universe is going to answer my prayer to fund my Life Purpose, and all I need to do is slap on a suit, well shit – all I have to do is accept the gift.
Do What it Takes
The question is, am I in service or not? Am I willing to do what it takes to be in spiritual service? I feel like it’s “selling in” (vs. “selling out”) – like a Peruvian mother who sacrifices time with her children to work in the US and send them money – that’s what I feel like I’m doing for a little while. Funding Life Purpose.
So that means it may be even less time in Peru for me this year. Scary, I know. Luco said not to be in fear – the Medicine is guiding everything based on our bigger intentions, which I know is true. No urgency. Ride the flow. Be okay being judged. I’m doing this for the greater good of Infinite Light.
So I went to work ass-early in my suit. I texted my mom the photo shown here (okay, well it’s almost a suit), as well as a message “why does this feel like the first day of school?” She wrote back – “first day of conformity. But do what you gotta do.” Lol thanks Mom.
So here I am stretching into MY version of my adult self (I think). Not scared of the matrix. A little nervous about being judged, but I’ll get through that. The relationships got dropped fast on the priority list, as it’s time to thrive. I commit to no one but myself and my Life Purpose for the present. AND, it’s time to write. I promise you something in publication by the end of the year. Hold me to it:)
So what can I say? Ride the flow. I like me without doubt – a lot. I even like me in a suit a little. But I like me funding Life Purpose a ton:) Much love ya’ll, more lata…
~ Meghan Shannon Elder @wildspiritualride
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