God it feels good to be back in the Medicine, and coming back to my real self after that monster of a purge. Most of the emotional volcano was complete before I left, now we’re just sweeping up some energies and allowing the new (true self) belief systems to solidify into place.
I decided to cut back to a 20-plant diet with crystals, even though my last had 30. I plan to continue drinking the diet tea even after the official dieta is completed, and I want to keep myself to a managable level so I can still support others while drinking it for such an extended time (about 30ish days total.)
There have been several things moving since the last blog, focusing specifically on substances.
First, to catch you up, right before I left for Peru, my catalyst friend dropped a bomb about being interested in someone else. When he first told me, I went to the neutral, even-keel ’emergency situation’ place, where emotions are suspended.
I thought maybe for a minute I was in the clear (haha, I should have known better) but I proceeded later that night to get drunker than I’ve been in years (self-medication at it’s best! haha though I don’t recommend getting a perscription for that one).
All the emotions that I had been trying to manage came flooding out that night, beyond my control (luckily he wasn’t there) resulting in a mega-purge.
So next day, I end up back at Paul the shaman’s place (three times I had to go during this three month doozey!) and the reading helped clarify things further, as my eyes are quite clouded while I’m purging.
“Wow,” he says to me. ¨You are purging core. Actual core. Very few people get to this place. Congratulations.¨ This makes me feel better, as I was starting to doubt myself for a minute.
He then goes on to read that this whole thing is a self-doubt purge, a blanket of insecurity within myself that has been present in my body since I was born (meaning I’d never experienced life without it, so it was hard to imagine or tap into a different energy.)
He goes on to do a support ceremony to get out a little more, which felt great. I ask about what to focus on (besides the obvious) once I get out to the Medicine.
¨Go to the palace of the Divine Feminine. You’ll have a ceremony there.¨
He says the alcohol was a temporary teacher. I had to go to an open door and walk through it, which I did.
So next day, I already feel better. I end up hanging out with my friend and his new love interest, among other friends, and have an amazing time. I’m already feeling closer to my regular self.
So now I’m in Peru. The timing is impeccable. I have six weeks to regroup in the Medicine. Some things that have already come clear to me…
Part of releasing this core self-doubt involves learning to manage its defense mechanism: control. Trying to force someone to like me. Trying to force myself into being someone else to make them like me (I’m shaking my head and trying not to judge the highschoolness of this, but that’s when it developed, as is the energy as it comes out.)
Most adults are still dealing with shit they picked up by the time they were 17 anyway, it’s just socially acceptable as it morphes to match our ¨norms¨. So anyway, the last ¨blanket¨of crap, muting my true colors.
Substances (including food) as Self-Medication
I’ve recognized the main ways these are manifesting. The obvious one is the last 20 lbs I’ve been carrying since I released the other 60. It´s been two years, and that last 20 hasn’t budged. I´ve been holding onto it as I wasn´t yet ready to release the self-doubt/control duo until now.
My body follows my process, including the inner struggles I have. There’s been movement, as I’ve been drawn to exercise and (a new one) fasting when I’m upset, rather than stuffing (holy mother that’s a new phenomenon for me!) So my body’s been changing underneath me, but hadn’t had the motivation to push through to the core until now.
Second manifestation – smoking. Some of you know I smoke American Spirits (don’t like additive chemicals, but I like tobacco.) This one’s been tough, as I have a push/pull, back and forth between having an actual medicinal relationship with the tobacco spirit, a little bit of rebellion against society’s judgements on ¨spiritual people¨ smoking (control), and the old addiction energy (which used to encompass food, drugs, alcohol (that one night was an isolated purge! lol), people addictions, etc etc etc.
Now, it’s down to cigarettes, everything else naturally came into balance. I assumed this one would too, but it seems to be very linked up with the control purge. I’m not trying to ¨quit¨ completely, but my body’s integrity (for now at least) is calling for a release of smoking for no reason (basically out of habit during the day.)
Smoking medicinally (used ceremonally, when clearing energies, fine. Socially, with alcohol, fine.) But the unintentioned smoking is too much for my body. This is a big one for me, also tied up with the control purge. Lol I just stopped to light a cigarette – oh my mind and its mental triggers!
And the third, as applied to my catalyst, to let him go (not necessarily that we can´t be friends, but so that my energies are not focused on trying to ¨get¨ him (control.) So these are the big manifestations of the last aelf-doubt/control blanket I can spot at the moment.
Who’s in Control?
And of course, the point of all this is to come into a new level of my true self, to let my vivid colors shine instead of muting them through self-doubt and control. And as my friend so eloquently pointed out a few minutes ago, I´m actually not controlling shit, the control is controlling me.
So here we go in ceremony. First night, I’m able to access the Divine Feminine place, and have our ceremony (man those energies are AMAZING!) I’m in a place of easy access to calling in and conversing with people’s spirits, so I find myself calling in my catalyst quite a bit, asking his spirit if I can do work on him to help clear out some of his gunk (he agrees.)
At one point (I might be mixing up the timeline here, might have been second ceremony) I naturally ¨awaken¨ to a clear, loud vision of him, my roommate, and me laughing hysterically, having a great time in the spirit world. So loud (spiritually) to the point that Luco looks over and starts laughing physically.
¨Are you laughing at my vision?¨ I ask.
¨You guys are so loud I can hear it!¨ Awesome. But then later I call in catalyst again, and he comes through, annoyed this time. It strikes me that I’m still playing out the control even in ceremony, and though we have a conversation, I realize that I need to start practicing my management of this now in ceremony.
Even when it purges, the old ¨muscle memory¨ takes some getting used to, and that’s my job. When I ask the Medicine about him, they tell me clearly –
¨You are not ready to hear what this is yet. Just release the control. And forcing yourself to try to get ready faster is the wrong direction.¨ It’s still control! Lol they know me so well:) Can’t argue with that.
So as applied to him, I’m feeling my thought process change a little every day, releasing. It’s definitely a process, but it’s well underway. We’ll see where I end up by the time I get back.
Meanwhile, as applied to the smoking, Luco was telling me about how each addiction has an entity controlling it. I’ve obviously released all of them but the one (again, willingness and readiness weren’t there yet). So I go into ceremony to try to find it.
First thing I find is a hidden box containing some really crappy fear energy that I then purged. Second, a feisty, mean, really strong snake that look a lot of my own inner strength to get rid of (I almost had to call Luco’s spirit to help, but I managed to do it on my own.)
Third, I asked the Medicine why exactly I needed to release the daytime smoking. I don’t have the same level of fear about my health that society does (though it’s still there) and doing something “because I’m supposed to” never is enough for me. So they showed me a man choking and shaking me, dominating. I had to fight him off.
¨That’s what it’s doing to you.¨ I don’t want something else dominating and calling the shots in my body. It’s not about the cigarettes.
Then I asked why it was here in the first place. Obviously for a reason, but what reason? And that’s when I found the entity. It took on the form of evolving musicians from the 60’s and 70’s (starting with Jimi Hendrix). The artist/musician energy, which is a dominant force in my lifestyle to this day.
I then got flashes of all the people I would not have known if I hadn’t smoked. All the friends I woundn’t have made. This entity came in at age 15 as a guide, to get me to the right people and the right path for my spirit’s chosen destiny. Even though I now understand the Medicine is far from a ¨drug¨, it was going through the path of drug culture that allowed me to even consider it.
I’m not the type to not ¨join the party¨ so to speak, so it would be unlikely that I would have been drawn through that crowd without smoking. I likely would have had a big judgement on smokers, and distanced myself fom them, causing me to have a totally different life than I have.
I likely would not even have been here today, living out my purpose. So when I realized the why, I just thanked the entity for guiding me through to where I needed to be. But I now have the love for the music and the people all on my own, and he was no longer needed. And he left peacefully.
Now that he’s gone, it’s just the control link and muscle memory to be worked out as this comes into balance. I’ll keep you updated. I still have some self-doubt around it (since I’m not finished) but I’m pretty sure I’ll be able to balance it before I head back to the States.
And with the weight, my body and mind has had a clear, strong desire to release this 20 lbs now. During diet we eat two very plain (no salt, no sugar) meals per day. I’ve continued the two meals (ceviche only!) in Iquitos.
I’ve also been able to practice daily yoga and pilates, as well as daily creativity (usually singing or writing – tapping into my true spirit). In Iquitos I’m running on the treadmill as well. If I had to guess, I´ve probably lost 5-7 lbs so far.
And again, it’s not just about how I look. For the first time, I can clearly see and feel my energy with my true body. It’s about lining the physical up with the integrity of the spiritual, and dammit, I’ve been overweight my whole life, and I deserve to look and feel how I so choose.
There’s no reason on God’s green earth that I have to walk around with the extra blanket (except for the self-doubt that told me so before.)
Just because ¨overweight¨ was my lifetime identity doesn’t mean it can’t be changed. And now it’s a clear, open channel. Nothing is holding me back from this one. I’m crazy excited for myself:) Will post pictures when I´m done:)
I’ve also been getting excited about new life’s work ideas, really supporting my true self (and finances!) It’s time for that too. That tends to show itself naturally as I clear the blocks out of the way.
So sorry that was so long, but it’s where I’m at. I feel fantastic already, and super excited about this big detox period. It’s time. I’ve put in the work, and am close to something big here.
Thanks for supporting even just by reading this (all the way to the end too!) Much love, and there will be another update in two weeks after the next group.
PS – Quote of the week from the Medicine:
“Don’t focus on ‘what if’, focus on ‘what is’.”
~ Meghan Shannon Elder (@beyond_meghan)
Ayahuasca Preparation and Integration Specialist at Beyond the Ceremony
Accelerated Spiritual Development Coach at Beyond the Whirlwind
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